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I suppose I owe Milgram a percentage of the business. In principle. But he's dead (I think), and I have no principles, so to hell with him.

Milgram did his experiment back in the Sixties. His set up needed a teacher, and a learner. The teacher asks the learner a bunch of questions, every time the learner screws up - he gets an electric shock. It's supposed to be about learning potential under the influence of negative reinforcement. But that too, is just part of the set up. The teacher is the real target. He's the only one not in the loop. He's the one they want to see go psycho with the electric shocks. And he does. Over 60% of test subjects went all the way, even though the dial on the machine said it was clearly dangerous, even though the learner 'said' he had a weak heart, even though the learner was screaming out in pain (he was acting, but the teacher didn't know that). Over 60% of test subjects went psycho with the electric shocks. Think about it.

"Oh no, I wouldn't go all the way. Not me." Sure. Which is why I bought my own island with a helicopter pad on it. We've got business people these days wetting their pants for a 5% slice of the pie, and Milgram promised me twelve times that. And more. When the teacher works with another teacher, acting as a role model, compliance goes up to over 90%. So if you think you wouldn't go all the way, to hell with you and the donkey you rode in on.

There are these Botox shots you can take these days. You know, gets rid of wrinkles and that sort of petty thing. Less than 0.1% of people actually contract the disease the shot is derived from, Botulism. But people are lining up to get stabbed. Why? Because there are zero risks if you know Angelina Jolie did it (the delusion of the role model), and if your doctor has straight teeth and a picture of the wife and kids on his desk. And no, I didn't make my money from Botox shots. There are better diseases out there. Much better.

Some facts before we go on. 1. Ebola virus. African. Deadly to the tune of seven days. Eight if you're blessed with a high red blood cell count. And you can count them as they leak right out of your pores.

Fact 2. Progeria. Genetically inherited condition of premature aging. Ten year olds that seem eighty. Arthritis and hair loss and pinched in faces that look like they've been carved from the flesh of a potato. To find out why this is an interesting analogy, read on.

Fact 3. Jenny Lyle. Small town girl, world wide reputation. Suffering a unique mutation of Progeria. Got to the biological age of sixty, and stopped. It was unheard of. Didn't age physically even one more day. Lived a fairly reasonable life, as it turned out, but did break her hip twice playing basketball. She was fifteen.

Monsanto bought Jenny Lyle. Just like that. Took a tablespoon of blood, some hair, a few cheek cells, and paid her parents a number that had nine zeroes after it. They bought the code, you understand. The genetic code of her unique Progeria mutation. Used it to mature a potato in three hours that would transport to market easy like transporting rocks. They grew them in Spain, hence the moniker 'Spanish Jennies', and sent the Irish economy into cardiac arrest.

For a very reasonable licensing fee, paid mostly by the good people at DreamWorks (thank you Mr. Spielberg) I also bought the right to use Jenny's genetic sequence. In turn, DreamWorks got the rights to the film. But, because these Copyright things can get complicated, it wasn't mine to sell. Oops! So now they want to sue, but to hell with that, they can just stand in line like everyone else.

We spliced the Progeria mutation with standard Ebola, and a success story was born. Ebola-Trim. The weight loss programme with the fastest results in the history of mankind. Twenty kilos in just three days. And with bovine America hexing the whole planet with its role model delusion, I'm lighting my Cuban cigars with a wad of hundred dollar bills. Franchising options are available, please see the brochure in the back of your press kits.

Our system is nearly perfect. Over 95% of our clients never develop full blown Ebola. Most of them lose the weight and walk out beaming - promising to name their firstborns after me. There's a whole wave of girls in California called Mujina, or Mujetta, or variations thereof.

Risks? To be exact, 3.74% chance of an anguished and miserable death, swimming in a pool of your own fluids. And do they do it? Do they turn up the dial on the electricity until it says 'Danger: Severe Shock', until it says 'XXX'? Of course they do.
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